


Insomnia

by Sinikka_von_Wolperting



Series: Whumptober 2018 [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Insomnia, Mentions of PTSD, Whump, Whumptober 2018, dealing with trauma and PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 01:52:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16187624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinikka_von_Wolperting/pseuds/Sinikka_von_Wolperting
Summary: The loss of his family keeps haunting Nyx and gives him sleepless nights.





	Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO HI! I know I'm late but I'm in denial about that. Have fun reading!  
> Thanks a bunch to Elillierose for being my beta for this!

_ His eyes burned as he stumbled through thick smoke, falling over soft obstacles that he not dared to look at. Nyx knew they were bodies. Whose - that wasn’t important. Not anymore. _

_ “Selena!” he called out. Again and again he called the name of his sister until he was barely able to breathe. No answer. He heard screams and shots all around him but he couldn’t see anyone. _

_ “Nyx!” _

_ “Selena?” Nyx sprinted in the direction he heard the voice come from. His steps sounded as if he was running through an empty hallway while other noises slowly died down until he was alone with his echoing steps and frantic breathing. _

_ Suddenly the smoke lifted and the glaive skidded to a halt. It was like in the eye of a hurricane. Black smoke was billowing on the edges of the circular clearing, a house right in the middle of it. _

_ “Nyx?” _

_ Nyx looked up. Two figures stood at a window on the first floor. He knew who they were.  _

_ “Sel...mom,” he breathed out. His whole body was frozen in place.  _

_ He couldn’t reach. _

_ He couldn’t get to them. _

_ Something grabbed them both from behind, pulled them away from the window and Nyx couldn’t do anything except watch helplessly as their house - their home, crumbled and the invisible barrier holding back the smoke vanished. Blackness instantly swallowed everything, leaving him alone and motionless listening to the screams of his family. _

Nyx awoke with a start, his own scream still ringing in his ears and one hand stretched out to reach for something he never would. Waiting for his racing heart to calm down, he stayed in this position for a good minute before burying his face in his hands.

Not again.

With still slightly shaking hands, he blindly padded for his phone. When he found it, blinging bright numbers told him it was 12:15 am. “Are you fucking serious,” he scoffed, tossing the phone onto the bed. He got up and, without even turning on the light, shuffled over to the kitchen counter to turn on the coffee machine.

Thirty minutes of sleep before it started again. This was the third night in a row.

While his coffee brewed, Nyx decided to at least turn on his bedside lamp as to not pour the hot beverage all over himself. He was done with sleep for this night anyway, it was no good. 

He had been told that these things could happen. The nightmares, the flashbacks from when his town was attacked. And when his family died. They said something about PTSD, but Nyx couldn’t remember anymore and plain refused to acknowledge it. It wouldn’t bring them back.    


The only thing he knew to do was work. Do his best in the Kingsglaive so he would be able to keep people safe. Not like back then when the only thing he could do was run. He was too slow, too late. Not fast enough. He had to function so this would never happen again.

Wrapping both hands about the warm cup, he slumped into his armchair. He let the warmth travel up his hands while he stared at the dark liquid. He wasn’t a fan of black coffee, but this gave him the best kick in these situations.

“Who needs sleep anyway, right?” he mused and took a deep swig.

* * *

Insomnia’s nightlife had always fascinated him. This city was never dark. Neon signs in almost every shop window let each street glow in a different color. And while most people hurried along to their destination or at least minded their own business by day, a different kind came out at night. It wasn’t uncommon to see some drunks fight in front of a bar or loud teens in brightly colored clothes on their way to a club - many of them looking like minors who sneaked out at night. Nyx didn’t mind, though, it wasn’t his business.

And then, just one street over, prostitutes leaned forward to stick their heads into rolled down windows with bright, promising smiles. Nyx was still waiting for the day where he’d see a familiar car or face there, but otherwise he kept his distance, kept his light jog a steady pace and never let his eyes linger too long on anyone.

He ran his lap: once, twice, eventually a third time before he had to stop and give his burning lungs a chance to recover. Wiping his brow, he walked over to a small playground, unoccupied at this time of course, to sit down on one of the swings. His legs were too long to actually do anything except for slightly swaying back and forth on the child-sized seat, but it felt nicer than a bench. 

Nyx wasn’t sure how long he sat there and at what point he’d drifted off, but suddenly he was startled back to reality by some dogs fighting close by. One look to the sky told him that it was time to get ready as it was turning from almost pitch black to dark purple and orange.

After a quick shower and another cup of coffee, Nyx was on his way to the central of Insomnia, the citadel and training grounds of the Kingsglaive. He was actually glad for every minute he could spend there; it meant work, moving around, not thinking about things that left him sleepless.

* * *

“Damn, pal, you look like death.”

“Good morning to you too, Libs,” Nyx snorted and bumped his shoulder against his friend’s.

“No, seriously, did you even sleep last night?”

“Of course,” he lied. “Don’t worry, man, I’m alright, really.”

Libertus looked like he wanted to keep prying, but luckily, Drautos entered the room and they lined up. Not even a minute of listening to him talk, Nyx’s vision went completely out of focus and his thoughts drifted off once more. He had to blink multiple times to get his eyes to focus again.

“Ulric.”

A jolt coursed through his body at the sound of Drautos calling his name. “Did you hear what I just told you?”

Shit.

“Aah…” the glaive nervously cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, sir, I...was lost in thought. Could you repeat it?”

For a few painful seconds, Drautos seemed to consider leaving him hanging, eyeing the glaive from head to toe. “Warping exercise, Ulric,” he finally said. “Dismissed.”

For the next twenty minutes, Nyx was happy. Warping was his thing, it just came naturally to him and that made him one of only a handful within the glaives.

Not today though.

Most of the time, they improvised their own training, racing each other along the course or up a wall to see who’d be the fastest or last the longest. Nyx would always be up there with them, if not even leading and winning every race.

The first few streaks were okay, he had a good start and was ahead of the main group with a few others when suddenly something went wrong. He threw his dagger and got pulled after in that familiar stream of blue, but then his surroundings shifted, everything veered to the side. Or was that him?

Before he could question it any more, he hit the ground.  _ Hard _ . Sliding a good distance before eventually coming to a halt. He couldn’t even process what was happening when he was instantly surrounded by Libertus and a few others.

“Get off of me, dammit, I’m okay,” he said and pushed some offered hands away. Getting back on his feet proved to be more difficult than he had anticipated though and he ended up accepting Libertus’ arm to hold onto while he waited for the dizziness to subside.

“Okay, my ass, Nyx. You’re bleeding,” Libertus huffed and lead him to some stairs close by for him to sit on. “You still think you can lie to me. You look sick and tired, everyone can see that, so stop denying.”

He motioned towards Nyx’s scraped face. “C’mon, let someone look at this and then go home, I’m gonna tell Drautos. And no, that wasn’t a suggestion. If you don’t go, I’ll drag your sorry ass back to your place myself!”

“Yes, mom…”

The answer earned Nyx a few laughs, including his old friend, who gave him an additional push after getting up. Reluctantly, he turned and walked back into the building. The left side of his face burned still from the fall and he was pretty sure bruises were already forming, not only on his face, but hip and shoulder as well. Still, he didn’t go to the infirmary and directly left the citadel. It would heal, so why bother.

Taking the long route home to try and tire himself out some more, he felt only more exhausted but not sleepy when he arrived. A short look in the mirror showed the anticipated bruises and a lot of scraped off skin on his cheekbone and forehead. 

“Well, beautiful,” he mumbled and proceeded to treat the injuries as good as he could. The rest of the day was spent in his armchair, switching between skipping through TV channels, ending up with wandering thoughts and completely ignoring what was happening. How long has he been sitting there without moving?

6:30 pm.

Shaking his head, he put his phone away again. He just spent about ten hours doing absolutely nothing, that was new.

“So what now, Ulric?” he mumbled to himself, eyes flicking over to the bed. With a deep sigh, he let himself fall face down onto the mattress, hoping he’d just pass out at some point. 

Nothing.

Turning to his side, he grabbed a book from his nightstand. Crowe once told him that reading before bed was relaxing and good for a good night’s sleep. 

He tossed the book back onto the nightstand after he read the same paragraph the fourth time. No good.

The hours went by as the glaive kept tossing and turning in his bed without ever finding the perfect position and it began to get to him. Once again, he got up and threw on some clothes. Maybe another walk would calm him down.

One hour passed, then another one before he decided to go back, feeling even worse than before. He went back to lying in bed and staring at the dark ceiling until the first streaks of sunlight peaked through the blinds.

Nyx was already dreading to go to work.

Still, he got ready and went, not even bothering to hide how he felt this time. He passed on warping this time and went for hand to hand combat, somehow making it through the day. Worried comments of his friends and comrades fell on deaf ears. He would be fine. Everyone just had to stop annoying him. 

Another sleepless night. Another tiring day. And Libertus, who kept chewing him an ear off about going to a doctor until Nyx snapped and told him to finally shut up and leave him alone. The guilt came mere minutes later, forcing him to apologize and promise that he’d go to a doctor today. He felt like an asshole lying to his best friend, but he didn’t want to deal with it any more than he had to.

 

* * *

3:30 am.

Nyx was exhausted. Everything hurt and he felt sick. Lying down wasn’t an option anymore and the bright TV screen hurt his eyes, so he had switched over to pacing around inside his apartment. Even at night, everything suddenly was so loud and bright outside that he turned back halfway through his walk. 

He reluctantly texted Libertus that he wouldn’t come in the next days. Possibly a stupid idea, but there wouldn’t be any nagging at least.

6:00 am.

The rising sun shining through his blinds threw an interesting pattern on the wall. Nyx sat on the floor, back resting against his bedframe, while he watched it creep along until the sun stood too high. 

What time was it now?

The glaive’s behavior changed from restless pacing to apathetic staring again and again. His eyes were barely able to focus anymore and he wanted to bang his head against a wall to make it stop. 

The loud knock made him jump and he looked at his door in utter confusion.

“Nyx?” Libertus’ voice filtered through the door. “You there?”

“C...comin’,” Nyx mumbled and shakily got to his feet. He only made is a couple steps before his knees gave in. Out of reflex he reached for anything to hold onto, but when he threw his hand up, he hit the floor lamp, which then came crashing down together with him.

Hitting the ground, everything became even worse: colors melted together and shapes went completely out of focus. And this terrible banging which echoed in his skull twice as loud. Suddenly, everything was white and he had to squeeze his eyes shut or he feared he’d go blind. He felt a hand on his shoulder and someone’s voice very far away, but couldn’t even pinpoint where it was coming from. It seemed to go farther and farther away, fading out. Then everything went black.

 

* * *

It was warm.

Nyx blindly felt around him with one hand. Was he lying in a bed?

“Good morning, idiot.”

He carefully opened one eye to see where the voice came from. Libertus sat in an uncomfortable looking chair next to his bed. Though, it wasn’t exactly  _ his _ bed.

“Am I...in a hospital?” he croaked.

“Whaddaya think, pal?” Libertus said with a shrug. “You went down and out like a light, couldn’t leave you there. Doctor said severe malnutrition and...well, other medical words. When was the last time you slept?”

“Does this here count?”

“Are you serious?”

Nyx didn’t smile, just sloppily shrugged. “I guess?” 

Libertus sighed deeply and rubbed his hands over his face. “Figures. And let me guess: last time you ate were those few bites at lunch the day before you stayed home?”

“Do I have to answer that?”

“Ugh, you damn...you know, I had to tell Drautos. Had to explain to him what the doctors told me and all that. He says you’re on sick leave until you look like a human being again.”

“Whenever that will be,” Nyx said with a light snort and looked over to the window. The sun was high up. “When did I get here?”

“Yesterday,” Libertus answered, following his gaze. “You were next to comatose all night, got better in the morning, so they called me in for you to have a familiar face to wake up to.”

“Awesome. When can I leave, then?”

“Not up to me, Nyx, the doctors will decide.”

“Sounds like prison.”

“Close, psych ward.”

“What?”

Instantly, Nyx’s eyes went along the bed which made Libertus chuckle lightly upon seeing this. “Calm down, not the closed ward,” he said. “I told them you’re a dumbass, but not suicidal. But since you possibly haven’t slept in days and I just know you good enough to get what’s going on and told them, like the good and considerate friend I am, they want you to stay for a while to get things sorted out.”

“Awesome.”

“I know, right?” Libertus got up and gave him a light pat on the shoulder. “Visiting hours are stricter here, but I promise I’ll come by and bring you something to fight the boredom. Behave yourself.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

* * *

The days went by with Nyx barely noticing. He wanted to leave, but that wouldn’t help. But would staying be any better? The therapy, the talking, all this felt like it drained him more than anything.

Alone, his friends visiting was a spark of light in his dull days. That’s why he even managed to smile weakly when Libertus stepped through the door once again.

“Alright, get dressed, buddy, we’re going for a walk.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t ‘huh’ me, Nyx, up now. I have to show you something.”

Reluctantly, Nyx obeyed. His friend seemed excited and that peaked his curiosity, so he went along and let himself be pushed through the halls and...out the main entrance?

“Uhm, Libs?” he slowed his steps down and looked at Libertus. “I-I don’t think I’m allowed to leave.”

Libertus held up two fingers. “They gave me two hours, then you have to be back. Now come, we don’t have much time.”

The glaive was now even more confused, but went along again to see what this was all about.

In the parking lot, Libertus pointed out a used-looking car he had rented for this occasion and they drove to the outskirts of town into a forested area. There, on a small clearing, he could see Pelna and Crowe standing next to a few stacked stones. Stopping next to their friends, Libertus smiled at Nyx and pointed towards the stones.

Nyx felt a lump form in his throat. The stones were surrounded by planted flowers and, jammed under the stone on the top, he saw a photo. Unter it, engraved into the stone, the names of his mother and sister.

“I...made a copy of the photo you had of them,” Libertus said after a moment. “Pelna came up with this, you know? He did this for his family right over there.” Nyx followed the pointing hand to see about six or seven more small cairns. “Some of the other guys did the same when they found out and I figured this might help you, too.”

“Their bodies may not be here,” Pelna said after Nyx barely showed any reaction other than staring, “but it helps to put the mind at ease. To give some form of closure.”

Nyx opened his mouth, but nothing came out except for a choked sob. The next moment, his legs gave in and he fell to his knees, tears now flowing freely. 

They gave him space, wandered along the other graves and paid their respect to each one while their friend came to terms with this new situation. None of them had ever seen him cry before.

Nyx couldn’t remember the last time he had cried that badly. But it felt good, just releasing it all. His eyes were burning and his face felt hot, but is was as if a tight knot in his chest had finally released itself. He felt better. Slightly shaking fingers ghosted over the two names, then he got up. Turning away gave his heart a little sting, but he knew this wouldn’t be his last visit.

“You good?” Libertus asked with a soft voice.

“Better,” Nyx smiled and gave all three of them a tight hug. “You guys...you are my favourite idiot friends, don’t you ever leave me alone, got it?”


End file.
